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How do I set boundaries?

Name the limit, say it in one sentence, repeat it.

Who or what is it about?
Choose how firm to be

All three state the same limit. Only the tone changes.

Pick a situation and your words show up here.

Updated By the Stella team

How it works

To set boundaries, name one limit, say it in a single sentence about what you will do, and repeat that sentence when it gets tested. You don't need the other person to agree first. The examples here give you the sentence in three tones, and the line for the second time you have to say it.

  1. Pick who or what it's about

    Choose the situation closest to yours: parents, family, a friend, work, money or your own time.

  2. Choose how firm to be

    Warm opens with care, plain states the limit and firm adds what you'll do next. All three state the same limit.

  3. Make it yours

    Change the details until it sounds like you, then copy it. Under it is a line for when the limit gets tested. Every line is a fixed example written for this page, and whether and how you use it is up to you.

How to set boundaries in three steps

To set a boundary, decide what you need, say it in one sentence, and say it again when it gets tested. A boundary is a statement about what you will do, not an instruction for someone else. That's why you can keep it even when they don't agree.

1. Name the limit

Start with yourself. What is the specific thing that leaves you drained, resentful or dreading the next call? Turn it into one line about what you will and won't do: "I don't lend money." "I'm offline after 6."

If you can't say it in a sentence yet, it isn't ready to say to someone else.

2. Say it in one sentence

Say it plainly, at a calm moment, in as few words as you can. You don't need to defend it, apologize for it or win agreement. A reason is optional, and one true sentence is plenty.

A long explanation sounds like the start of a negotiation.

3. Repeat it when it's tested

Expect to say it more than once, often to people who love you and are used to the old arrangement. Say the same thing again, in the same words, and then do what you said you would do.

The follow-through is the boundary. The sentence only announces it.

Further reading

Christine Carter, writing for Greater Good in 2019, describes three steps close to these: decide what you need, tell people what you need in as few words as possible, and follow through, repeating the same phrasing as often as it takes.

Source: advice column on setting boundaries, Greater Good Science Center, 2019.

Boundary examples by situation: words to use

Every example below does three things. It says what you will do, not what the other person must do. It gives no invented reason. And it comes with a line marked "If it gets tested", because a limit usually has to be said more than once.

Examples written for this page. Change any detail so it fits your situation.

How to set boundaries with parents about advice you didn't ask for

For an adult child whose parent weighs in on their job, home or choices. The limit is on the topic, not on how close you are.

Warm
I know you ask because you care, and I'm glad you do. I'm not going to talk about my job search with you for now. When there's news, you'll hear it from me first.
Plain
I'm not discussing my job search for now. I'll tell you when there's something to tell.
Firm
My job search is off the table. When it comes up, I'm going to change the subject or end the call.
Add only if it's true
There are things I do want your advice on, and I'll ask when I do.
If it gets tested
We're not talking about that. Tell me about your week instead.

How to set boundaries with parents about visits and calls

For drop-ins, daily calls or a spare key that gets used a little too often. Say what does work, so the limit comes with a way to reach you.

Warm
I love seeing you, and I want it to be when I can give you my full attention. Please call before you come over. When I don't pick up, it isn't a good time.
Plain
Please call before you come over. When I don't answer, I'm not available.
Firm
I'm not opening the door to visits I didn't know about. Call first, and we'll pick a time.
Add only if it's true
Sunday afternoons are usually good for me, and I'd like that to be our regular time.
If it gets tested
Today doesn't work. Call me tomorrow and we'll set a time.

How to set boundaries with family about personal comments

For remarks about your weight, your relationship status, your money or when you're having children. You don't have to answer a question to end it.

Warm
I know you mean well. I'm not going to talk about my weight, today or at any family dinner. Ask me about anything else and I'm all yours.
Plain
I don't discuss my weight. Let's talk about something else.
Firm
Comments about my body are not okay with me. When they start, I'm going to leave the table.
If it gets tested
That's the topic I don't discuss. I'm going to step outside for a few minutes.

How to set boundaries with family around the holidays

For the visit that runs too long or the plan made on your behalf. A time limit is a boundary too, and it's easier to keep when you say it before you arrive.

Warm
I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. We're coming for Saturday and heading home Sunday morning, so let's make Saturday a good one.
Plain
We'll be there Saturday, and we're leaving Sunday morning.
Firm
We're staying one night. That part isn't up for discussion, and I'd rather enjoy the time we have.
Add only if it's true
We'd like to host next time.
If it gets tested
We're still leaving Sunday morning. What do you want to do with Saturday?

How to set boundaries with a friend who vents a lot

For a friend you care about whose calls have become one long problem. The limit is on how much you can hold in one evening, not on the friendship.

Warm
I care about you and I want to keep showing up for you. I've got twenty minutes tonight, and then I'm going to switch off. Tell me the part that's weighing on you most.
Plain
I have twenty minutes tonight. After that I'm going to hang up and rest.
Firm
I'm not going to be the only place this goes. I'll listen for twenty minutes tonight, and then I'm ending the call.
Add only if it's true
Let's also plan something that isn't a phone call. A walk on Saturday?
If it gets tested
That's my twenty minutes. I'm going to go now, and I'll talk to you on Thursday.

How to set boundaries with friends about texting back

For a friend who expects an answer within minutes, or reads a slow reply as a slight. You're setting how fast you reply, not how much you care.

Warm
I love hearing from you, and I'm slow on my phone during the day. I answer texts in the evening. When something is urgent, call me.
Plain
I don't reply to texts during the workday. I'll get back to you in the evening.
Firm
I'm not going to answer right away, and I'm not going to explain it each time. A slow reply from me means I'm busy, nothing else.
If it gets tested
I saw your messages. I answer in the evening, same as before.

How to set boundaries at work about after-hours messages

For messages that arrive at night or on days off. Say when you are reachable, so the limit reads as a schedule. These are example lines, not employment or HR advice.

Warm
I want to give this my full attention, so I'm going to pick it up in the morning. I'm offline after 6 on weekdays. For a real emergency, call my phone.
Plain
I'm offline after 6. I'll reply to this tomorrow morning.
Firm
I don't answer work messages outside my hours. Anything sent after 6 gets a reply the next working day.
If it gets tested
I saw this come in last night. I'm on it now, and I'm still offline after 6.

How to set boundaries at work about tasks outside your role

For the job that keeps landing on you because you did it once. This isn't a no to one request. It says what your role covers from now on. Example lines, not employment or HR advice.

Warm
I've been glad to cover the team's scheduling while we were short-staffed. From next month I'm handing it back, so my own projects get my full attention.
Plain
From next month, I'm no longer doing the team's scheduling. It needs an owner, and that isn't me.
Firm
Scheduling is not part of my role, and I'm stopping at the end of the month. Please assign it to someone else.
Add only if it's true
I'll write up how I've been doing it, and I can walk the next person through it once.
If it gets tested
That's the scheduling I've handed back. Who's the new owner, so I can point people to them?

How to set boundaries with family and friends about money

For repeated requests to lend, cover a bill or split things unevenly. A standing rule is easier to keep than deciding again each time, and it singles no one out.

Warm
I care about you, and I want to keep money out of our relationship. I've made a rule that I don't lend to family or friends. It's the same rule for everyone.
Plain
I don't lend money to family or friends. It's a rule I keep for everyone.
Firm
I don't lend money, and I'm not making exceptions. Please stop asking me.
Add only if it's true
I can sit down with you and look at other options.
If it gets tested
It's still my rule. I'm not lending money.

How to set boundaries around your time

For the standing claim on your evenings or weekends: the weekly favor, the automatic yes, the plan that assumes you're available. One protected block of time is a small place to start.

Warm
I've loved being part of this, and I've been running on empty. I'm keeping Sundays for myself from now on. It's what lets me show up properly the rest of the week.
Plain
I'm keeping Sundays for myself from now on. Please plan without me that day.
Firm
Sundays are not available. Don't count me in, and I'm not going to explain it each week.
Add only if it's true
Saturdays still work for me most weeks.
If it gets tested
That's a Sunday, so I'm out. I hope it goes well.

What to say when a boundary is tested

When a boundary is tested, say it again in the same words and then act on it. Don't add a new reason, raise your voice or reopen the decision. The repeat is short on purpose.

Sahaj Kaur Kohli, writing for Greater Good in 2023, tells readers to be prepared to repeat themselves, because a boundary has to be enforced and reinforced.

They argue with it
"I hear that you see it differently. My answer is the same."
They're hurt by it
"I can see this is hard to hear. It's still what I need."
They forget, or act as if they did
"A reminder: I don't take work calls after 6. Talk tomorrow."
They send someone else to ask
"This is between the two of us, and my answer hasn't changed."
It keeps happening
Stop explaining and do the thing you said: end the call, leave the room, reply in the morning. Say it once as you go: "I said I'd hang up when this came up, so I'm going to go now."

Source: article on setting boundaries with family, Greater Good Science Center, 2023.

What a boundary isn't

A boundary is about what you will do. It isn't a way to make someone else change, and it isn't a wall. Kohli describes boundaries as protecting your own limited energy and resources, not as changing other people's behavior.

Not a rule for them
"You have to stop calling so late" is a demand. "I don't answer calls after 10" is a boundary. Only the second one is fully in your hands.
Not an ultimatum
An ultimatum is a threat meant to force a choice. A boundary names what you'll do to look after yourself, and you do it whether or not they change.
Not a punishment
Leaving the room when the shouting starts is a limit. Going silent for a week to make a point is something else.
Not a wall
You can hold a limit and stay close. Most of the warm examples above start by saying so.
Not always a speech
Sometimes it's what you do: leaving at nine, letting a call ring out, keeping a visit to one night.

Source: article on setting boundaries with family, Greater Good Science Center, 2023.

When a boundary is hard to hold

Feeling guilty after you set a boundary is common, and it doesn't prove the boundary was wrong. Kohli's reminder fits here: letting someone down is not the same as doing something wrong.

Start small
Pick the limit that costs you least to keep, with the person most likely to hear it. One kept boundary teaches you more than five announced ones.
Write the repeat line first
Decide what you'll say the second time before you say it the first time.
Let the feeling pass before you revise
If the limit still looks wrong to you in a week, change it. Changing it in the first hour is usually the guilt talking.
You're allowed to adjust
A boundary can loosen when things change. That's your call, made on a calm day, not something to be argued out of mid-conversation.

Source: article on setting boundaries with family, Greater Good Science Center, 2023.

When not to do this alone

A script assumes the other person will be annoyed at worst. Some situations aren't like that.

If you're afraid of how this person will react to a limit, better wording isn't the fix. Talk to someone you trust outside the situation first.

The same goes when someone controls your money, your home or who you see. The NHS's Every Mind Matters pages suggest confiding in someone you trust outside the relationship. Decide with them whether to say anything, and how.

Source: page on healthy relationships, NHS Every Mind Matters.

When talking it through helps

A script gives you the sentence. It won't tell you which limit to start with, or what to do with the guilt that tends to follow the first time you hold one.

That part is a conversation. Stella is your emotional wellness AI, and you can talk to her by voice or text about who it's with, what you want the limit to be and what makes it hard to say. What you say in the end is still yours to decide.

Questions about setting boundaries

What is a boundary, in plain words?

A boundary is a line about what you will and won't do, said out loud. "I don't lend money" and "I'm offline after 6" are boundaries. It describes your own actions, so you can keep it whether or not the other person agrees. It isn't a rule for them, a punishment or an ultimatum.

What do I say when someone ignores my boundary?

Say it again in the same words, then do what you said you would. For example: "I'm not discussing that. I'm going to step outside for a few minutes." Skip the new reasons, because each one invites a debate. Every example on this page has a line marked "If it gets tested" for this moment.

How do I set boundaries with my parents?

As an adult, pick one specific thing, such as advice you didn't ask for or surprise visits, and say what you'll do: "Please call before you come over. When I don't answer, I'm not available." Start warm when that's true for you. Expect to repeat it, kindly and in the same words, more than once.

Is a boundary an ultimatum?

No. An ultimatum tells someone what they must do, with a threat attached. A boundary says what you will do to look after yourself: "When the shouting starts, I'm going to leave the room." The other person stays in charge of their own choices, and you stay in charge of yours.

How do I stop feeling bad after setting a boundary?

You may not, at first. Guilt is common when you stop doing something people expected, and it doesn't prove the boundary was wrong. Give it a few days before you revisit the decision. If the limit still looks right when you're calm, keep it. If something has changed, you can adjust it.

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