Forty questions in eight topics, each marked lighter or deeper, then ten ways to suggest a check-in. Use two or three at a time, not the whole list, and change any word so it sounds like you.
Questions written for this page.
Weekly check-in questions
Ten or fifteen minutes at the end of the week. Start with what went well, then one thing that didn't.
Why this wording: Starting with the good part of the week makes the harder question easier to hear.
- Lighter
- What was the best part of your week?
- Lighter
- Was there a moment this week when you felt close to me?
- Lighter
- What's one thing I did this week that helped?
- Deeper
- Was there a moment this week when you felt far from me, or like I wasn't listening?
- Deeper
- What's one thing you'd like more of from me next week?
Monthly check-in questions
A longer talk once a month, somewhere comfortable, with phones away. Look back at the month, then ahead.
Why this wording: A month is long enough for small things to pile up and short enough that they're still small.
- Lighter
- What's something we did this month that you'd like to do again?
- Lighter
- What are you looking forward to next month?
- Lighter
- What's one small thing that would make next month easier for you?
- Deeper
- Is there anything from this month that's still on your mind and you haven't said?
- Deeper
- Do we feel like a team right now, and what would help?
- Deeper
- Is there something you've wanted to ask me but kept putting off?
- One to skip
- Can we talk about everything that's been wrong this month?
Questions for a hard patch
When things have felt tense or distant for a while. Pick one or two, not all five, and listen more than you talk.
Why this wording: Asking what the other person thinks is going on opens a conversation. Telling them what's wrong usually closes it.
- Lighter
- What's one thing I could do this week that would make things a little easier?
- Lighter
- What's something that still feels good between us, even now?
- Deeper
- What do you think is going on between us lately?
- Deeper
- What's been hardest for you lately, and what would help from me?
- Deeper
- Is there something I did that hurt you and we never talked about?
- One to skip
- Do you even want to be with me anymore?
Questions after an argument
Once you've both cooled down, not in the middle of it. The aim is to understand each other, not to rerun it.
Why this wording: Asking what hurt the most shows you want to understand, and after a fight that's often what both people are waiting for.
- Lighter
- Are you ready to talk about it, or do you need more time?
- Lighter
- Is there anything you need from me to feel okay again?
- Deeper
- What did you most want me to understand?
- Deeper
- What did I say that hurt the most?
- Deeper
- What could we each do differently next time it starts to heat up?
- One to skip
- Why do you always do this?
Questions about feeling close
For when nothing is wrong and you'd like to feel nearer. Good on a walk or over dinner.
Why this wording: Questions about what already works give your partner an easy yes and tell you what to keep doing.
- Lighter
- When do you feel most like we're on the same side?
- Lighter
- What's a small thing I do that makes you feel loved?
- Lighter
- What's a memory of us you think about often?
- Deeper
- Is there a kind of affection you'd like more of that I might not know about?
- Deeper
- Is there anything you've found hard to tell me lately?
Questions about home, chores and money
The practical stuff that turns into arguments when nobody talks about it. Pick a calm evening, not the day the bills are due.
Why this wording: Asking whether it feels fair invites a real answer. A list of who did what invites a defense.
- Lighter
- Is the way we split the chores working for you right now?
- Lighter
- Is there one chore you'd happily trade with me?
- Deeper
- How are you feeling about money right now?
- Deeper
- Is there a spending decision coming up that we should talk through together?
- Deeper
- Does the planning feel fairly shared, like who keeps track of appointments and dates?
- One to skip
- Have you noticed I'm the only one who ever cleans?
Questions about what's next
For a quiet weekend morning or a long drive. Big questions go better when nobody has to decide anything today.
Why this wording: Saying out loud what you each want makes it easier to notice where you differ before it becomes a decision.
- Lighter
- What's one thing you'd love us to do together this year?
- Lighter
- Is there a place you'd love us to visit or live someday?
- Deeper
- Is there a big decision coming that we haven't really talked about yet?
- Deeper
- What's something you want for yourself that I could help with?
- Deeper
- Is there anything about our future that you've been unsure about?
Questions for a busy stretch
A new baby, a work crunch, a move or caring for someone. Keep it short: five minutes still counts.
Why this wording: When there's no time for a long talk, one small question keeps you from drifting apart without noticing.
- Lighter
- What would make this week feel a bit lighter for you?
- Lighter
- Can we pick one evening this week that's just for us?
- Deeper
- Are you getting enough time to yourself right now?
- Deeper
- Is there anything you've stopped doing for yourself that you miss?
How to suggest a check-in
One line to send before the questions, so it reads as an invitation, not a complaint.
- Weekly
- Can we do our check-in tonight? Here are a few questions I'd like us to talk about.
- Monthly
- It's been a month. Want to sit down this weekend and talk about how we're doing? A few questions to start with.
- A hard patch
- Things have felt hard between us lately, and I'd like to talk about it when you're ready. These are the questions on my mind.
- After a fight
- I've been thinking about our argument, and I'd like to understand your side. Could we talk through a few of these when you're ready?
- Feeling close
- Nothing's wrong, I'd just like to feel close to you. Can I ask you a few things tonight?
- Home and money
- Can we set aside half an hour to talk about how things are working at home? Here's what I'd like to ask.
- Looking ahead
- I'd love to talk about what's next for us. A few questions I've been wondering about.
- Busy stretch
- This stretch has been a lot. Can we take ten minutes tonight to see how we're each doing?
- Any time
- Can we talk for a bit tonight? Nothing's wrong, I just want to see how you're doing.
- Any time
- When you have some time this week, I'd like to talk about us. Here are a few things I've been thinking about.
If raising things with your partner doesn't feel safe, or you're afraid of how they'll react, better questions aren't the fix. Talk to someone you trust outside the relationship first.
