Words for someone else, from the Stella team
What to say when someone is hurting
Say you're thinking of them, offer one thing and ask nothing back.
For a breakup, a lost job or a rough patch with no name: a text that needs no reply, one real offer and one for a few days later.
- What to text a friend going through a breakup
- What to text a friend who lost their job
- What to text a friend who got hard health news
- What to text a friend who is caring for someone
- What to text a friend with a new baby who is struggling
- What to say when someone is stressed about work
- What to say to someone who is sad
- What to text on a hard anniversary
- What to say to someone going through a hard time
Three things that help in any message
A lot of people go quiet when someone they care about is hurting, usually because they're worried about getting it wrong. The messages that help tend to be short. They don't ask for a reply, they say plainly what happened, and there's another one a week or two later.
- Make it easy not to reply
- When you're the one hurting, even kind messages can feel like a pile of replies you owe people. Something like “I heard, and I'm so sorry. Thinking of you. No need to reply.” can just be read.
- Be specific
- Say what happened in plain words. If you offer help, put a day on it, like “I can bring dinner on Thursday”, because an open offer leaves them having to think up a job for you.
- Say it again later
- Most messages come in the first few days and then stop, which is often when things get harder. A short text a week or a month later lets them know you're still thinking about it.
What not to say, and what to say instead
Most of the lines that sting were meant kindly. These five come out of people's mouths all the time, so here is what to say instead.
- “You're so strong.”
- Meant as praise, it can land as pressure to keep coping. Try “You don't have to hold it together with me.”
- “I'm sure it'll be fine.”
- You can't know that, and they know you can't. Try “That sounds really hard, and I'm thinking of you.”
- “Try not to think about it.”
- They can't, and now they'll feel bad about that too. Try “Of course it's on your mind.”
- “What can I do?”
- Kind, but it hands them the job of planning your help. Pick one thing yourself: “I'll bring lunch over on Saturday.”
- “You'll get through this.”
- True or not, it sounds like a deadline for feeling better. Try “I'm thinking of you today, and I'll text again next week.”
Questions about finding the words
What do you say when you don't know what to say?
You can say exactly that. “I don't know what to say, but I'm thinking of you” is honest, and it doesn't ask anything of them. A lot of people say nothing because they're worried about saying it wrong, and that silence is usually harder on the person than a clumsy text would be.
Should I text, call or send a card?
Text first if you're unsure, because they can read it when they're ready and don't have to answer. Call if you're close and they're a phone person. After a death, a card often arrives a week or two later, just as the other messages stop, which is part of why it means so much.
What should I avoid saying?
Anything that hurries them or tidies their pain away, like “you'll get through this” or “I'm sure it'll be fine”. Hold back advice they didn't ask for, and save your own story for later. If you're unsure about a line, ask whether it's for them or for making you feel better.